紧紧握着的回忆，早该放手了。
但要爱得太深，吃亏的将是自己。

 i can't believe i actually broke down at work today, in front of so many of the colleagues. Me, a person who always keep my own problems and emotions suppressed, seemed to have given the impression that i cant separate personal matters from work. it's been a while since i cried so badly, one month, perhaps? i've been keeping things under control, keeping my emotions checked but i guess things just didn't work the way i planned them to. up till last week, i had lots of distractions but then, slowly and surely, more and more memories surfaced and engulfed me. although i spend every other minute thinking about you, it didn't come with pain. but last night, a very simple conversation triggered all the pain and i wept long and hard. Maybe it's because i've kept the tears and sadness buried for too long and when it's being released, it doesn't stop easily. And this morning, it wasn't easy pretending i'm fine. I could easily lie that I didn't get enough sleep cause I was thinking about things but the tears were easily triggered. Simple questions like 'are you ok' could make my eye teary and all it took was a little bit more pressing 'are you thinking about someone' and the tears just flowed non stop. i felt like an idiot there and then. sigh. 

sometimes i feel like thr's so much conflict inside of me. part of me feels angry for how you treated me towards the end, yet part of me feels this pain and intense desire for you. part of me wants to go out and have fun and laugh happily yet part of me wants to hide away from the world and sleep all my sadness away. sigh.

Know what i HATE the most? Pretending, acting. Besides acting like im happier and doing so much better without you by my side, most of the times, i have to smile to my colleagues and my guests and act like im very happy and excited. This kind of feeling sucks especially when on the inside, you feel like you're about to collapse. i'm feeling fucked up enough and i have to put in extra efforts to act like i'm fine and so much happier without you. fuck.

Today, Alvin spoke to me about the 3-months rule in every relationship, that is, for the first 3 months after a break-up, one usually doesn't get emotionally involved with another person. This is a sign of respect for the other party as well as a healing period for yourself. Having said this, from the time you abruptly walked away from my life till now, it's been almost 3 months. 

every time i miss you, i just want to swear so hard. 

suddenly, i seemed to have lost the motivation to blog. maybe it's because the whole blogosphere is becoming too publicized and it isnt just my space anymore. people ARE reading and judging. so  im gonna be hanging here for a while.

been feeling sad cause i miss J so much but thr's no one i can tell cause everyone's so sick of hearing the same old thing and maybe they don't say but i believe some of them are like 'get a life yuhan.' and i dont need such judgements because i know clearly what im doing and why i feel this way. 

anyway, i got very sad suddenly this afternoon when i was looking at his pictures and tears just started coming. i havent been crying over him for a long time but today it just came. it's not a huge outpour just some tears and there was nothing i could do cause the few friends whom i asked to accompany me out weren't free today. so i decided i would pamper myself by going for a hair treatment. OTW out, Noel actually called for a meet up cause he too was bored and looking for partners. so there, after a good hair treatment at pro-trim (it's my 2nd time there actually; the first time was also out of impulse), i met him at HV. there was a mood for oriental cuisines so we were at CJ having a 2 person course meal :)


vegetable soup with eggs(normal + century) it's really good


some stewed pork

the look which melts my heart anytime

freak. u just dont understand